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Chemtrails aren’t real, right? – A.S. Riverhead, NY.

No, they are not.

Ok, now that this is out of the way, let’s have some fun and learn a bit more about what may be the most wildly preposterous modern conspiracy theory.

Q) What are chemtrails?

A) The word “chemtrail” is used to describe the cloudy trails of condensation (actually called “contrails”) that high altitude planes leave behind them in the sky that conspiracy theorists believe are actually chemicals being sprayed by planes into the atmosphere in an attempt to poison the human race.

Q) Wait, what?

A) That’s right – just read that last sentence again. Give it some time to sink in.

Q) What are contrails?

A) Contrails (short for condensation trails) are the result of normal emissions from the engines of planes. They occur with jets or propeller-driven planes under the right conditions. Basically, hot humid air is emitted from the engine and when it meets the cold, often dry air at higher altitudes it condenses into water droplets and ice crystals. It’s kinda like when you breathe out on a very cold day and see your breath. Whether or not contrails form, what they look like, and how long they persist will be dictated by the temperature and relative humidity of the air the plane is flying through. In many cases, contrails will last in the atmosphere for several hours after a plane has passed by. So, to review, contrails are real, chemtrails are not. Got it?

Q) Yes – got it. Seems straightforward. So… what do these chemtrail people think the government is spraying?

A) Chemtrailers don’t really agree on this, but my favorite theories include: Attempts to sterilize the population, mind control, suppression of human evolution, preventing climate change, causing climate change, or attempting to block the view of other planets in our solar system that the government doesn’t want you to see.

Q) Wait, really?

A) This is going to take a while if you keep on asking the same questions twice. I know none of this makes any sense, so let’s keep things moving so we can talk about more important things.

Q) Why would anyone believe this?!?

A) That’s a tough one. There is no evidence other than the trails themselves, which are actually just contrails. No one has ever found any bad chemicals in the air behind planes or uncovered a vast conspiracy involving airline pilots, all the worlds governments, and some sort of Dr. Evil/SPECTRE-type with an eye patch stroking a cat. It could be that some people on the internet are bored and seeking attention.

Q) Who came up with this idea?

A) The theory and the term chemtrails originated in the 1990’s and was popularized on the internet and by conspiracy theorists like radio host Art Bell, who was also pretty sure there was a UFO trailing behind the Hale-Bopp comet. Since then it’s just kind of stuck in the craw of the conspiracy theory wing of the internet like a stringy, rancid piece of pulled pork. Alex Jones is a big chemtrails supporter.

Q) Isn’t that the dude that thinks the Sandy Hook Elementary school massacre was a hoax for some reason?

A) Yes.

Q) Oh, so do you have to be dangerously insane to believe this?

A) We at UYBFS are not in the habit of diagnosing metal illness. But Kylie Jenner is also a big chemtrailer. Just saying…

Q) Could this get any crazier?

A) Yes! Some chemtrailers believe that you can protect yourself from the chemicals and actually dissipate the chemtrails with vinegar! That’s right, just walk outside with a spray bottle filled with vinegar and spray it into the air. The tiny amount of vinegar you spray will then somehow travel over 30,000 feet (over 5 miles) up into the air (not to mention many miles of horizontal distance to get to the chemtrail) without being diluted, where it will destroy the chemtrails and any dangerous chemicals they contain.*

Q) OMG, the vinegar thing and that video is a joke, right?

A) I wish it was….

Q) Is there anything else I need to know about chemtrails?

A) No – it is clearly in the best interest of mankind to spend as little time talking about baseless conspiracy theories like this. Here’s a link to a story about the largest dinosaur skeleton ever found. Now THAT’S science!

* We at UYBFS are confident in the intellectual abilities of our readers. However, just to be sure, this last statement was pure sarcasm, and it is patently impossible for a few milliliters of vinegar to travel for miles in the atmosphere in order to hunt down and destroy a non-existent chemtrail.